The other night I was just hanging out with my buddy Cbet (of Rhymin’ & Stealin’), playing video games and joking around, watching Survivorman (BTW, Les? If you’re gonna go out into the wilds of Alaska and you’re taking a knife, kayak, dry suit, 5 video cameras, and a nice piece of kit like the Fire Piston, how about packing a pot and a waterskin, too? But I digress…), when on came a commercial for what had to be either the most genius or the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen: The Shakeweight.
Now admittedly, for some women, the back of the arm is a troublesome fitness and appearance issue. The aesthetics of a sleeveless dress (if you care, that is) is somewhat detracted by flabby, jiggly upper arms.
Have no fear, my double-X-chromosomed friends and neighbors, The End To Your Flabby-Armed Nightmares Is Here!
This revolutionary piece of workout equipment will help you shape and tone those upper arms in just 6 minutes a day! It’s been featured in Fitness Magazine and Women’s Health and has been seen on Ellen, The View, Good Morning America, Glamor.com.
Don’t believe me? Watch the commercial yourself and tell me what you think.
Now tell me that’s not an effective workout tool! I….uh…. sorry… got a little distracted by the visuals. They, uh…. heh…. ARE a little, um, suggestive, perhaps?
Ladies, do you want to tone those arms, get the endorphin rush, make two people happy AND save twenty bucks, all at once? How about giving a vigorous double-fisted AM handjob to your boyfriend/husband? In one fell swoop you can get all the benefits of a morning workout and make two people happy (you by having those nice, sculpted arms you’re after, him by sending him to work with a smile on his face), in just 6 minutes a day!*
Why not just call it what it is? Here, I’ve even got a few suggestions for you: “The Handjob Helper”, “The Chicken Choker”, “The Faptastic Flipper Toner”, “The Shakewang” and “HandiJack” are all ones I came up with (and thanks for the first one, Cbet!). Take ’em, just remember to mention me in the credits.
Now on to more serious business.
There’s also one For Men! Yes! It’s time to get serious about our tricepnal fitness, and what better way to do that but with The Shakeweight for Men? Harness the power of Dynamic Inertia! It’s Science Fact, Not Science Fiction! Guaranteed and Certified by Doctors to KICK YOUR BUTT!
Seriously? Really. You know how this came together, right? A bunch of frat boys were goofing off with a video camera, smoking weed, making stupid jokes and were making up ridiculous exercise machines. They make an infomercial about one of their made up inventions and then, just as a total lark, decide to go for it to see how it flies. Much to everyone’s surprise, it takes off and develops a life of its own and starts making them money, allowing them to pay for tuition, books and KD while keeping them in the lifestyle to which they’ve become accustomed: smoking weed, KFC, Swiss Chalet and Harveys delivered whenever they want, PS3s and legendary keggers.
Thus, the Shakeweight was born. Or as I like to call it, The “Jacktastic Muscle Dominator”
I dunno. I think that after I use this thing I would need a Kleenex and a cigarette and be left with an empty feeling, waiting for it to call me.
* Seriously guys: ever tried to hold out against a woman on a mission? If you can hold out longer than that, you’re a better man than I.